I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
You Might Also Like
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.