If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
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Sharon I have some bad news
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.