[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
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I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.