*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
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The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
6: are snakes just neck?
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom