Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
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People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
I feel seen
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?