Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
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Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
paddle faster i hear baby shark
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Just me?
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.