Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
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[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
I’d love this…lol
Lassie, get help!
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD