tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
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This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
reminder
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Me checking my bank balance online.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*