I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
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I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Best spoiler warning ever
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
How software testing works
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.