Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
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Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.