Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
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Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
This is my cat’s medicine.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer