Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
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To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.