[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
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At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.