Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
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The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?