My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
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Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.