Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
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How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ