friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
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Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Called it
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Comparing yourself to others
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.