i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
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Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Word.
~ Microsoft.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
wait.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Only short people can save us
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming