Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
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Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Huge, if true.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
uncle dave has been through hell
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa