me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
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when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Huge, if true.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.