I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
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I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.