my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
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My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion