My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
You Might Also Like
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
How animals would run if they were human
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat