OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
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Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.