Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
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I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.