everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
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I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.