someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
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So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.