“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
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You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Last-minute gift idea!
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”