I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
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My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
mom gave me mine for free
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
That eye roll….
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Thursday
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?