Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
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I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
For the ones in the back.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠