[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
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I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Always the camel, never the toe.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.