Check your privilege
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I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz