other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
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Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.