I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
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Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire