picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
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Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Who says great literature is dead?
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.