Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
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*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Doctors texting each other.