Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
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College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
You had me at “define legal”.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.