Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
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A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.