There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
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The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset