how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
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me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”