Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
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Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*