I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
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I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Basically.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here