Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
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I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Not today. 😅
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha