probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
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After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Happy Caturday!
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.