Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
You Might Also Like
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Just a reminder, folks:
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.