[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
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Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.