“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
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My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch