I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
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Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
What’s a Messi?
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
When you “pspspsp” too hard
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl