Tough love is true love
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*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
being a writer on Twitter:
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
That time Alicia messaged me
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks