[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
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me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Watermelon Boss!
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then