Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
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Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
found this cool rock hiking today
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Ugh but profoundly
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no